Oh, Onion News Network! You and your team of reporters never fail to make us laugh with your jabs at Apple.

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Citing "three independent sources close to Apple," one who has "actually held the device," TechCrunch says Apple is planning to release a giant iPod touch device with a seven- or nine-inch screen next fall.

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The multitouch trackpad on the aluminium MacBooks is, to be generous, barely usable in Windows. So I was excited there's a new update. But apparently they screwed it up—it still sucks, just differently. [Ars]

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Who could have guessed that the most prescient technologist of our day would be a relatively unknown British sketch comedian?

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Mini DisplayPort might be an industry standard, but it doesn't mean we miss HDMI on the new MacBooks any less. Apple isn't helping us yet, either. But MonoPrice.com will reportedly answer our prayers next month.

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We already know the new MacBook Pros have video problems, so when the Inquirer says their Nvidia GeForce 9600 GTs use the same faulty material that killed earlier graphics cards, it doesn't look good.

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It looks like the MacBook update released yesterday doesn't fix everything we wanted it to. JkOnTheRun reports it still freezes and hangs with the full 4GB installed. But at least sleep seems fixed. [jkOnTheRun]

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Apple has released firmware updates (two apiece actually) for the MacBook, MacBook Pro, and MacBook Air. As usual, "stability fixes" are the only details—but that should be enough for anyone who has experienced problems. [Apple]

Back in October, multitouch gestures for MacBooks showed up in an experimental Firefox build. Now these gestures have been officially folded in to the 3.1 beta 2.

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The standard "journalism" rule is that three is trend. So here's one with the new MacBooks: They've got problems! Screwy video cards, insomniatic, power-sucking sleep and not playing well with other RAM.

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