Spider-Can, Spider-Can, full of moldy pasta-shaped-man…
I know we’re all going through a lot right now, given the state of Current Events. We’re stuck at home, trying to find things to do, trying to find things to eat as grocery shopping becomes an everyday occurrence that is suddenly fraught with risks and concerns of food supplies running low. Which, presumably lead us to this moment of rapturous awe while Twitter user Dinosaur Dracula opened a can of Chef Boyardee Spider-Man pasta shapes (with mini meatballs in a tomato sauce!)…
…circa 1995.
I have a wildly corroded can of Spider-Man Pasta from 1995.
And if this gets 1995 retweets, I’ll show you what’s inside. pic.twitter.com/adEFFPNNO9
— Dinosaur Dracula (@DinosaurDracula) April 16, 2020
Friends, I shouldn’t have to warn you considering I just spoke about opening a can of kid’s noodles from two and a half decades ago like we’re opening the ark of the covenant here, but: what you’re about to see is as gross as it is fascinating.
Turns out, that, unlike Enobarbus describing Cleopatra in Shakespeare’s Anthony and Cleopatra, age can, in fact, wither Chef Boyardee’s Spider-Man pasta shapes (with mini meatballs in a tomato sauce!).
Opening a wildly corroded can of Spider-Man Pasta from 1995: a thread. (1/5) pic.twitter.com/DW7w7ALMO4
— Dinosaur Dracula (@DinosaurDracula) April 16, 2020
It can, in fact, custom stale their infinity variety. Stale it quite a bit.
They say tragedy plus time equals comedy, but there’s nothing funny about 15 ounces of Spider-Man Pasta reduced to a rotted 3-ounce chunk. Recalling the fate of Jordy Verrill in Creepshow, I’m thankful for my rubber gloves. (3/5) pic.twitter.com/W5WqQ7wEHs
— Dinosaur Dracula (@DinosaurDracula) April 16, 2020
It is kind of amazing that, among what can be diplomatically characterised as the detritus within the can however, you can still just about make out one of the shapes of Spider-Man himself:
I think I notice something, but consult the label on the can to be sure. Indeed, there’s poor Spider-Man, trapped in this godforsaken toxic monstrosity. I’m sorry, Peter. With old pasta comes great instability.
Thank you all for taking this journey with me. (5/5) pic.twitter.com/6UcfRcN9tz
— Dinosaur Dracula (@DinosaurDracula) April 16, 2020
You know what they say about Peter Parker: when that kid gets knocked down, he will always get back up on his feet. Even when he’s a pasta-man, apparently.