Dear Gizmodo Australia Readers. I have a confession. I have never seen a single James Bond film. I know absolutely nothing about the franchise other than that they’re all on Stan (aka I have no excuse for not having seen them) and that there is approximately 500 of these films — a lesson I learned from my time at JB Hi-Fi.
I think he’s a spy? A secret agent? Does he work for the government? Is he a bad guy? Good guy? I have no bloody idea.
But rather than watching the films, I thought I would take it upon myself to rank every James Bond film based on nothing other than how hot the lead character is.
For the purpose of this experiment, I am using pictures chosen by Gizmodo Editor Tegan Jones.
Wish me luck!
[Editor’s Note: I’m so sorry for what I’ve done you Lavender and you, the readers]
Ranking Every James Bond Film From Hot To Not
Tomorrow Never Dies – 1997 – Pierce Brosnan
GoldenEye – 1995 – Pierce Brosnan
Mamma Mia! Here we go again!
Live And Let Die – 1973 – Roger Moore
I’m not sure if I just have a kink for a man in a black turtleneck because I wear a lot of black turtlenecks and I’m a giant narcissist but this man is DOING! THINGS! FOR! ME!
Dr. No – 1962 – Sean Connery
Looks like a rich white man who probably owns a yacht, which means I could live my yacht housewife dreams.
I JUST realised Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is a pun about this movie and I feel very dumb. Also this man is very stylish and I’m feeling it. We love a man in flares.
The World Is Not Enough – 1999 – Pierce Brosnan
This is SO 1999, but he’s rocking the glasses. Big fan. I think I’m in love with Pierce Brosnan.
Die Another Day – 2002 – Pierce Brosnan
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! An electric razor.
Thunderball – 1965 – Sean Connery
Big fan of this scuba vibe. He looks hot but also this looks like the last picture that was taken before he was eaten by a shark.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got tiny little guns, hun.
Moonraker – 1979 – Roger Moore
This movie predicted the billionaire space race.
The Living Daylights – 1987 – Timothy Dalton
Looks like a douchey private school man, can’t tell if he’s hot or I want to punch him.
License To Kill – 1987 – Timothy Dalton
Private school boy goes to Byron Bay for schoolies and has a really big night.
Casino Royale – 2006 – Daniel Craig
I know I’m meant to be horny for Daniel Craig but he just doesn’t do anything for me here.
Quantum Of Solace – 2008 – Daniel Craig
I feel NOTHING for him.
Skyfall – 2012 – Daniel Craig
He actually kinda looks scary here.
Spectre – 2015 – Daniel Craig
You cannot tell me this movie isn’t about a Russian supervillain and his hot wife committing crimes and hiding out in the Swiss Alps.
Diamonds Are Forever – 1971 – Sean Connery
Dad bod vibes. Make of that what you will.
For Your Eyes Only – 1981 – Roger Moore
I’ve been trying to comment on this photo but I just feel precisely nothing for this.
Goldfinger – 1964 – Sean Connery
Looks like a creepy waiter that might murder me on my way home.
Never Say Never Again – 1983 – Sean Connery
Brows on point but also vaguely reminds me of my grandfather which feels weird.
Not a fan but the cravat gives me Matt Preston vibes, so points for trying.
No Time To Die – 2021 – Daniel Craig
More like somebody please find time to kill me.
Octopussy – 1983 – Roger Moore
Only fell below Daniel Craig because I hate clowns.
You Only Live Twice – 1967 – Sean Connery
Sorry but is this Mr Bean?
Casino Royal – 1967 – David Niven
Gives me reaaaal ivory hunter vibes. I’m not an elephant but I feel like he’d cut my tusks off and sell it for millions.
Looks like a robot that would rip me limb from limb. I am scared. It’s a no from me.
A View To Kill – 1985 – Roger Moore
This is my sleep paralysis demon.
You can watch all 10,000 James Bond films over on Stan.