Every now and then I see something that makes me question my place in the world. Today, it is the crypto house in California.
Listed on Zillow as “priced to sell”, 12201 Crew St, North Hollywood is deceiving on the outside and utter trash once you get in. Functionally, it’s a very effective metaphor for crypto itself, but I’m sure enthusiasts would call it cool and aspirational.
Here’s how they’re trying to market it on Zillow, a U.S. based real estate website.
“A modern three bedroom, three bath with a detached bonus room is a resort like home for sale for the right buyer. The home has recessed lighting and natual lighting that shines through the entire home. As you enter the home there is a well-maintained kitchen with an open floor that leads to the living room and dining room. There are two bedrooms through the hallway just off the living room. The master bedroom is located across the living room near the kitchen. The large than life master bedroom has large windows and dramatic high ceilings giving it a luxurious appeal. Upstairs in the master bedroom there is a bathroom with a jet tub. When you make, your way down there is a door that leads to the backyard where you will find a laundry area, sparkling pool, and detached bonus rooms. Bonus room one is large and has plenty of room for a creative space or to convert into an ADU. Bonus room two can fit equipment that needs to be stored ie. decor, storage bins, and ornaments. So many opportunities for this home it’s waiting for the right buyers direction. Furniture is not included in the price and can be discussed.”
Yeah, it’s certainly an acquired taste, or as the listing puts it, “for the right buyer”.
Let’s go through the features of this house so elegantly omitted from the description.
The first bonkers thing you’ll spot in the photos is the tastefully placed “Crypto House” neon light by the kitchen. I assume it’s there as a warning.
From here, things get worse.
While the exterior of the house genuinely looks good and quite liveable (even if the kitchen is an awkward mismatch of navy blue wood, marble benches and silver appliances on an ugly wooden floor) I’m not sure if I could eat in a dining room covered in Bored Ape wallpaper.
If I ever did something like this to a home costing more than $1 million, you’re welcome to translate it as my version of smearing “Redrum” all over the walls. Also, what the heck are those chairs? And a completely transparent table?
And then we have the lounge room. Those are CryptoPunks NFTs in frames. From the angle of another image, it appears the frames themselves are fake, let alone the digital assets themselves. As an aside, it doesn’t appear that owning this house will make you the owner of these NFTs.
Ok, surely we’re through the worst of it now. That’s three rooms we’ve dunked on and I’m doubtful that the designer could commit anymore to the bit than… Oh my god, there’s Twitter wallpaper.
This room stinks, by the way. That light fitting is disgusting, the floor is fake grass (why?) and it’s covered in floor-level cushions. This room has no purpose and makes me madder the longer I look at it, both because of NFTs and because of the cost of real estate.
As we wind down, I am now desensitised by the pop art Doge bedroom. It has no effect on me.
It was at this point that the house elicited a visceral reaction from me, when I let my guard down the most. After the Doge wallpaper, the next few images listed were fairly inoffensive. A bathroom that is functionally fine, a weirdly black living room and a carpeted staircase leading to a wood floor (of the non-crypto things, I hate this the most).
Being led along by these, I was unprepared for the Ethereum and bitcoin-themed wallpaper in the bedrooms. Yuck. This isn’t a red flag, this is a flashing neon sign with sirens going off.
Anyway, I wish the seller well on their ventures. I suspect that they’ll need to do quite a bit of work to make the house liveable, mostly by removing the cringe, but hey, if you could afford to put it all in there, you can afford to rip it all out.
If you’re in California, an open house is being held on October 9. It costs a neat $US1,200,000, which is $1,847,082 in Australian dollars.
The crypto house looks like a shitpost. Web3 is going great and I’m assuming landlords are getting by as well.