“Does this spark joy?” So asked the famed Japanese consultant Marie Kondo as a way of thinking about decluttering crowded living spaces. The best way to know what “sparks joy,” Kondo said, is to feel the item in your hand, and then know whether you feel uplifted just by that simple act.
Billionaire Elon Musk took that mindset to the next level when he finally arrived at Twitter in October. He had spent months trying to walk back the deal. Then, rumours swirled over whether the Tesla and SpaceX owner would cut employees, as he was known for running hard pressed, spartan crews at his other companies. It was only when Musk finally had the social media company in his hands, rolling it around his palms and squeezing it like a stress ball, did he cut an estimated 3,700 people, or somewhere around 50% from his global workforce, evidentially finding not much that “sparked joy.”
Now comes the aftermath. Twitter is looking to offload some of its “surplus” office assets, including everything from an oversized wood blue bird statue to a large, barista-scale expresso machine. On the page being hosted by the auction house Heritage Global Partners, there are quite a few wooden lounge and rocking chairs going on sale with starting bids at just $US50 ($69). There also seems to be a lot of kitchen equipment, including multiple refrigerators and even a vegetable dryer, which would be useful for a large staff, if — indeed — Twitter still had that many employees left.
Musk does owe quite a few major financial institutions and big name investors quite a lot for his $US44 ($61) billion Twitter purchase, though a representative for HGP told Fortune that the auction “has nothing to do with [Twitter’s] financial situation.” He further told the outlet “if anyone genuinely thinks that the revenue from selling a couple computers and chairs will pay for the mountain there, then they’re a moron.”
Fair enough, since even if each of the 966 lots going on sale each went for an astronomical $US1 ($1.46) million, that would still put Musk $US43.69 ($61) billion in the red. Gizmodo reached out to Twitter to ask why these items were going on auction, but we did not hear back.
Still, it does beg the question of what does a company with many fewer employees need with all that stuff? Musk had already converted several of his San Francisco headquarters old conference rooms into motel-style bedrooms. City officials at the building inspection department have publicly said they would investigate whether the Twitter HQ is legally allowed to have bedrooms inside its working space, something Musk himself found particularly aggravating as he called out city Mayor London Breed for going after “companies providing beds for tired employees instead of making sure kids are safe from fentanyl,” as if the city buildings department is also in charge of drug policy.
The auction is set to begin Jan. 17 next year, though beware that buyers are responsible for arranging their own shipping. Even though most are meant for companies to bid, we listed are just a few of the most interesting offerings Twitter’s downsized company is letting loose on the world.
Snag this blue bird statue
This 46×41 inch statue of Twitter’s famed blue bird icon is the kind of doorstop that would be the bane of folks who like to walk around barefoot in their house or apartment. However, how many people can claim to have a real icon of Twitter before it became a real hive of scum and villainy?
Now you can “@” your plants
It’s hard to tell if this large, 73 by 75.5 inch planter actually maintains a real environment for real plants, though the succulents growing out its centre already look to have shed somewhat on the thin white baseboard.
Only ‘hardcore’ tweeps get expresso
At first glance I thought I was looking at an engine block, but no. This chrome La Marzocco Strada 3EE Espresso Machine looks like it weighs a ton and probably costs even more. Indeed, such an item goes for upwards of $US28,000 ($38,870). It’s emblematic of the amenities enjoyed among the major Silicon Valley tech enterprises, and a sad thing to see going away, but the HGP auction was selling four other automatic espresso machines. Though none were as top of the line as this bad boy.
Remind yourself of the good ol’ days when you might end up with a finger in your ham sandwich
Why does a tech company need a manual wheel slicer like something out of a 1950s-era deli? Well the Berkel 330M wheel slicer definitely screams “vintage” as much as it wails “lawsuit.” Whether this was used in the company kitchen remains something of a mystery, though if you do end up purchasing this steel beast we recommend having somebody else crank the wheel while you slice, unless you want your fingers to end up cut like Twitter staff after a Musk buyout.
When your monitor arm needs to hold both your monitor and you at once
How many is too many monitor arms? How about 200 Humanscale M2.1 heavy duty support frames with inbuilt connection ports? If this were a Silicon Valley garage sale, I could imagine walking away with one, but 200? Well, some lucky company will now be able to swing and swivel their monitors around the room, but I can’t imagine many employees are going to be too happy setting all of them up.
For the man who has too many whole chickens and not enough spits to roast them on
Yes, this is exactly what it looks like. It’s a six-foot+ tall behemoth meant to heat meat on eight long spits. It’s meant for a full-sized professional kitchen, yes, but the home cook in me can’t not imagine all the fun I would have roasting a whole pig. It comes with eight anti-cutting spits and eight chicken and turkey spits, so you could probably get a lot of use out of it as long as you can fit it through the door.
How about something a little smaller for your kebabs?
Alright, now we’re talking. Twitter is pawning off its gas gyro broiler that according to the pictures, definitely seems like it’s experienced some wear and tear. Still, just imaging the smell of lamb roasting on the spit is enough to send me over the edge.
When you’re tired of grinding both beans and the hours working at Twitter
There are somewhere around 3,700 fewer global Twitter employees left with the company, but knowing how much coffee the remaining staff would need to keep awake, it’s surprising to see these Bunn Digital Brewer coffee grinders being put up on auction. See, I imagine there’s a lot of folks out there looking for a solid coffee grinder, though since this comes with four in the box you’re unlikely to get a good price when they finally come up for auction, unless you’re willing to go splitsies with three other coffee-addicted friends.
A solid chunk of video mixing goodness
So Twitter is apparently no longer in need of its Epiphan Pearl-2 video mixer setup, which I imagine could be quite the steal for some producer out there since it comes with its original case and foam padding.
Pizza, anyone?
Is anyone outside a pizzeria going to need a full-sized refrigerated counter designed for pizza prep? No, absolutely not. Does it fulfil many childlike dreams of being able to stretch out dough before layering it with a mountain sauce and cheese to make your perfect slice. Yes, of course it does. Shame that Twitter’s personnel will have to go out to try one of San Francisco’s slices. As a New Yorker, I am obligated to say I don’t envy them.
Two comfortable rockers for your grand folks
It’s too bad that the sale of Twitter’s most comfortable furniture is happening after Christmas, as I can image my grandparents would appreciate some nice designer rocking chairs courtesy of Twitter’s HQ. Twitter has no more time for its employees to recline with a good book, so whoever ends up with these can think about the few employees working in proverbial social media mines.
Speaking of comfortable designer chairs
I can’t help but think “this Moooi lounge chair would go perfectly in my living room.” Yeah, some people might think plaid is gauche, but not me. I’ll sit back in my kilt and even put my feet up, as long as nobody dares walk in front of me. It’s especially of note since a Moooi Zio chair can cost upwards of $US1 ($1),800 new without the matching ottoman.
Staff couldn’t pedal fast enough to overcharge Musk’s new Twitter
Novelties are nice and all, but honestly these Rock the Bike Fender bike recharge stations don’t really do too much for me. I bike, and I charge my phone, but one doesn’t really incentivise the other.
Or just get yourself one of Twitter’s old mobile TVs
Hear me out. Instead of dropping more than a thousand dollars on a new flat screen television, purchase one of Twitter’s used, cheaper “mobile media centre” consoles and hook your setup to it. You no longer have a need to prop the screen on a bookshelf or on the wall. Instead you can ride your television from room to room, whether it’s to annoy your roommates or to pretend dance with whatever star shows up on screen.