The 35 Greatest Rude Tales of Magic NPC Names, Ranked

The 35 Greatest Rude Tales of Magic NPC Names, Ranked

While funny actual-play Dungeons & Dragons podcasts like Critical Role and The Adventure Zone get more attention, I need to make you aware of Rude Tales of Magic. DMed by Branson Reese and produced by Taylor Moore, it’s a comedy podcast first and foremost, and I cannot truly convey how funny it is with mere words — but I can come close. And that’s because Rude Tales of Magic has the greatest Non-Player-Character names of time. My proof? Amber-Ale Assembleaux, Professor Outside, and Natalie Armpits did not make the list.

Some of these names could have come straight from a classic Monty Python sketch. Others are hilariously crude. But they’re all preposterous, and offer a small glimpse at why you need to add Rude Tales of Magic to your podcast playlists.

Note: To keep the list from being insane, I’ve only chosen characters from the main campaign, played by comedians/artists/mega-talents Ali Fisher, Christopher Hastings, Joe Lepore, Carly Monardo, and Tim Platt. So, unfortunately, that means no Sephiroth Meatspreader or Ingenue Damnation from their Vampire: The Masquerade game, or Archipelago Mamamia or Mister Big Boy from the “Hail to the King” miniseries. But I believe you’ll find these rude enough.

35) The Brothers Pepsi

Put last only because the strength of their names is in their numbers. They’re a family of halflings who work at a tavern called the Delighted Wife which includes Strong Pepsi, Virtue Pepsi, Pipsy Pepsi, and, of course, Bukkake Pepsi, who is a goblin the family patriarch Senator Pepsi insisted is related to them.

34) Elbows Annual

A man the party meets at Riddle Guy, a festival celebrating riddles and Wicker Man-esque ritual murder.

33) Regina Dentata

A giant bat living in the bell tower of Ruleshaven that the party eventually needs to fight. As the fan wiki confirms, “She also owns a poster that reads ‘Bats Rule.’”

32) Double Daddy’s Got a Million

A gryphon named by Christopher Hasting’s player-character Frederick de Bonesby, a wizard who later accidentally blasted off all his skin, flesh, and fats and became a living (albeit foppish) skeleton.

31) Violence Hydrangea

An aptly named mercenary.

30) Thunderlingus

A four-cat-person band that plays at Riddle Guy, and also the favourite band of PC Bellow, an extremely laidback but not particularly intelligent Tiefling played by Joe Lepore.

29) Nelly Mutiny

A crewmate aboard the ship The Lusty Conversation, seen in the (quasi-canonical) Rude Tales of Magic live show in 2020. When the party finds out a mutiny is brewing, they try to discover which sailors are on which side. Suffice it to say Nelly Mutiny is a person of interest.

28) Shitty and the Boys

The back-up band for… never mind. Their names are… also never mind. Just know the only music they can play is the Jackass TV show theme song.

27) Mrs. Soup

It’s a long story.

26) Carlito Masterbandit

As the wiki says, “a humble spider farmer running spiders for the mob after the party kills some wild giant spiders”… or is he?! (He isn’t.) Carlito is also briefly a potential love interest for Cordelia, the sasquatch played by Ali Fisher, which confusingly is the name of the world the campaign is set in. Also, Cordelia’s list of potential love interests is not short.

25) Judge Cornmatters

A judge whose feelings about corn remain unknown.

24) Jason Baby

A member of the Witch Hunters, a group who believes the party has demonic powers and must be destroyed. Thanks to [insert 800-word explanation here], he is a hot guy who has forgotten hot people exist, and thus believes himself to be two days old.

23) Wet Beep

A man whose job is to scare the rats out of the sewers of Ruleshaven. He also raps!

22) Nastybone Onceover

A halfling NPC who works the night shift at Fort Casual and critically fails a very important die roll.

21) Bon Peniseñaro

A handsome troll bouncer who works for entry #10.

20) Shark Sucker

Sometimes it’s what the name says on the tin. This sailor has been banished to the crow’s nest of The Lusty Conversation for his… you know.

19) Illegal Rinbecca

An imprisoned sphinx who still demands people answer her riddles. She’s not very good at it. There were a lot of riddles in early Rude Tales, I believe mainly to torment Carly Monardo, who plays the faun-monk Albee, and loathes them.

18) Catheter Axley

An “insurance denier” in Ruleshaven.

17) Big, Little, and Medium Pile

Three brothers who drink at the tavern the Reverse Cuckold. Despite their names, Big is short, Medium is big, and Little is quite unremarkable.

16) Stephanie Sanangelo Gooch

A young Witch Hunter who worked with Jason Baby.

15) Gossamer Ogden Stiers

A money-averse messenger who does his deliveries on an upsettingly large, Vespa-sized fly.

14) September Pickles

A dead serial killer.

13) Unwarranted Jinsica

Yet another sphinx who torments Albee, this time at Riddle Guy.

12) Twice-Damned Regina

A sea dwarf (yes, really, expand your mind) who has two peglegs, is captain of The Lusty Conversation, and is looking for love.

11) Breadskin

The accurately but unfortunately named god of breadcrusts.

10) Scrum Fabulous

If you’re already a fan of Rude Tales of Magic, I expect you’re irked to see the bullywug crime-lord so low on the list. He was one of the series’ first and most memorable NPCs, he had his own theme song, and he was, as indicated, fabulous. I agree it’s a terrific name, but I must stand strong.

9) Downtown Squirt

The all-business dwarf in charge of the mining town of Toilton who raises the ire of the god of vacations, Danny Timeshare.

8) Pope Bonaducci the Infinitieth

A halfling who lives in a cave with a part of God’s brain. As one does.

7) Peter Dogonovoch

A teen who works at Café Vegetaball. I can’t think of either of these names without laughing, but honestly, that’s true of all the character names from this point on.

6) Peg Lungs Jepenthy

Yes, she has pegs for lungs. No, don’t ask how.

5) Old Deuterantagonist

This name is a pun of “Old Deuteronomy,” a character from the musical Cats. So it’s quite an obscure gag, but if you know it it’s very good, and I’m the one writing the list. At any rate, he’s the leader of a group of crow-like bandits called kenku, which Stirfry (de Bonesby’s servant, played by Tim Platt) used to be part of.

4) Mansicle

Obviously, no explanation is necessary.

3) Danny Timeshare

The god of vacations and vacation vibes. His divine abode includes a lot of frozen alcoholic beverages and water slides. It’s a simple name, but it’s absolutely perfect in its simplicity.

2) Brian Fuck

An intense, social anxiety-inducing scientist, and major antagonist who is part human and part goblin — he’s literally sewn different parts of each on himself. Again, a name perfect in its simplicity, but also perfect in its juvenility. And when you learn he used to be a goblin simply named Fuck, but Frankensteined himself so he “ascended” to Brian Fuck, that just makes it better.

1) Hans Christian Pumpandsuck

If saying this name out loud doesn’t bring you joy, I weep for thee.

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