Oh, first edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. You were pioneering, delightful, horrifying, and oh so bizarre — and the original, 1977 Monster Manual is a perfect example. A compendium of all the creatures that player-characters might encounter (and fight) during their game, the original book contains the earliest forms of monsters that D&D players are still encountering today… and some they’re not. Like the early Dungeon Master’s Guide, there’s a lot of weirdness in the Monster Manual, whether it be info, an illustration, or the monsters themselves — which you can see for yourself.
1) Ape, Carnivorous
I have never encountered a man-eating ape during any of my game sessions, nor have I knowingly met any D&D player who has. I assume they’re here because I think Conan the Barbarian fought some once? But even if that’s true, I don’t think anyone can explain to me why encountering normal apes is a Very Rare occurrence, but a Carnivorous Ape is Rare…?
2) Badger
Gary Gygax makes a big deal in the Monster Manual’s introduction about how the term “monster” is used to mean any creatures the player-characters may run into and potentially half to fight. But it’s quite jarring to go from Aerial Servant, Ankheg, and Carnivorous Ape to “Regular Badger.” Admittedly, there are several other normal animals listed in the Manual, and this is just one of many, but stay with me…
3) Beaver, Giant
Have I chosen this for the utterly puerile joke? Yes, of course, don’t be ridiculous. But I want to point out that the Monster Manual includes entries for a Giant Beaver but not a regular beaver, and a regular badger but not a Giant Badger. This happens a lot in this book, and I cannot imagine how Gygax decided which animals should be enormous or not.
4) Blink Dog
If your campaigns have been rife with Blink Dogs, please forgive, but I have never heard of these guys before perusing the Manual. As you can see, they’re Lawful Good Boys who can teleport, which makes me suspect they were created as a counter to Displacer Beasts, which are puma-like cats (Gygax’s descriptiojn, not mine) who constantly project their image three feet away from where they really are. But those are pumas, and Blink Dogs sound like they’re Golden Retrievers or something. Complicating the matter further is whatever the accompanying illustration is of, it is definitely not a dog.
5) Bone Devil
There are many demons listed in the Monster Manual, and absolutely all their illustrations are worth a look. But if an Gizmodo reader doesn’t get a tattoo of this absolutely rad dude because of this article I will have failed.
6) Bulette
When I first encountered this guy, I stared at his illustration for five full minutes. What could he possibly be? What is the large exhaust vent on his back? Is he wearing some kind of puffy vest? What is he doing to that tree?! Discovering he’s a “landshark” only makes him more wonderful.
7) Doppleganger
I know shape-changers have been monsters in Dungeons & Dragons since, well, forever (obviously). But I had no idea their base form looked like this. It rules. I want to party with this dude.
8) Eye of the Deep
What if a Beholder lived in the sea? What if a Beholder was redesigned to be a villain in a cartoon aimed at toddlers? The Eye of the Deep answers both of these important questions.
9) Intellect Devourer
There are a strange number of creatures in the 1st Edition Monster Manual that eat people’s brains, either psychically or physically. Seriously, there are Brain Moles, Cerebral Parasites, Ear Seekers, Mind Flayers, and Thought Eaters, but I’m only going to mention the Intellect Devourers (which could have easily been renamed “Thought Eaters” had the name not already been in use). If you read the description, they’re quite deadly, but what I love is that they’re just giant brains on legs, which is to say they look like what they eat. Imagine if humans looked like full roast chickens on legs. It’s fun!
10) Irish Deer
Irish? Irish?! Irish is not a word I expect to see in a Dungeons & Dragons product of any kind (and this is no disrespect to the Irish; the Monster Manual also lists a Giant Portuguese Man-o’-War and it makes me equally upset). A small amount of research led me to discover there really were giant, prehistoric deer called Irish Deer, but you know what they were also called? Giant Deer.
There is, it should go without saying, no entry for a Giant Deer in the Monster Manual.
11) Men (Caveman)
There are a lot of dinosaurs listed in the Monster Manual. Like, a lot. But I know Conan the Barbarian fought a dinosaur in his time, so I didn’t give it that much of a thought. But it never, ever, once occurred to me that any player-character in the Forgotten Realms, Krynn, or Greyhawk would ever, ever encounter a caveman. Somehow, the idea of an elf ranger fighting a caveman seems inherently wrong.
12) Neo-Otyugh
Otyughs have always been part of D&D monster pantheon, but Neo-Otyughs disappeared for a while before returned to 5th Edition. What baffles me is wondering why Gary Gygax decided regular Otyughs needed to evolve, Pokémon-style, instead of just changing its stats. At any rate, this guy looks like someone stuck the suit of a Japanese kaiju villain in an industrial microwave. Also, sometimes it feels like half of the creatures in the Monster’s Manual have tentacles.
13) Night Hag
First of all, rude. Second of all, I know this gets explained in the very next sentence, but “If the sleep spell fails, the hag will visit the victim nightly in ethereal state, intrude on the victim’s dreams in order to cause him (or her) to become ethereal also, and then ride the victim until dawn” does force one to stop and contemplate some things.
14) Pike, Giant
Did you see the picture? Were you surprised? Because I was quite surprised!
15) Quasit
“I’ll take creatures who look so messed up they were rejected from 1980s Satan-rock album covers for $US400 ($555), Ken.”
16) Salamander
A salamander is an amphibian that looks like a small lizard and excretes a toxic substance from their skin which — wait, what the hell is that? I’m mystified as to why Gary decided to make up his own Salamander instead of making up a new creature.
17) Sea Hag
First of all, still rude. Second, I do appreciate these guys are basically Deadites from Evil Dead who have decided to take an ocean vacation.
18) Sea Lion
Despite the name, a Sea Lion is in fact a type of seal, and they spend dammit Gary you did it again
19) Shrieker
There are illustrations of this giant mushroom that emits sound when it detects people nearby that look less like a screaming penis. They came later.
20) Spiders, Large, Giant, and Huge
To clarify: some real-world creatures in the Monster Manual are only listed in normal form. Some are only found as Giant versions of themselves. Some are both. But the only creature that has Large, Giant, and Huge types are spider. What I’m saying is that I believe Gary Gygax had arachnophobia.
21) Water Weird
Sure, Water Weirds are chaotic evil water elementals, but this one just wants to give a dude a high five. Roll a Saving Throw against “Down Low, Too Slow!”
22) Wererats
Wererats are actually very common monsters in Dungeons & Dragons but if I have to look at this nightmare illustration you do, too.
23) Xorn
Take a deep, long look at this thing. Then, I want you to imagine the evolutionary path that must have occurred for the Xorn to end up like this. Should only take you the rest of your life.