The Horniest Episodes Of Xena: Warrior Princess

The Horniest Episodes Of Xena: Warrior Princess

It seems inappropriate to rank the horniest episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess. The show itself was born horny and died horny. It dragged pre-teens kicking and screaming through puberty. It gave us all kinds of kinks involving bondage, leather, and angry women screaming “Gabrielle!” It was also a touchstone show for queer women who saw something far beyond platonic friendliness in all of Xena and Gabrielle’s shared baths.

Besides Red Shoe Diaries there were few shows in the ‘90s as unabashedly sexual as Xena. But some episodes are hornier than others, and often (but not always) the horniest episodes were the best episodes too. Since April 16, Syfy has been airing every single episode of the beloved fantasy series and you may find yourself wanting to tune into a show that I, without shame, will say harbours one of the most epic love stories put to the screen.

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As Jill rejected my original plan to simply list every single episode of Xena (it really is that horny) I have assembled a list of the most extremely horniest episodes. Unless otherwise noted these are also some of the best episodes of Xena and the most worth your time if you decide to be a monster and only sporadically tune into the marathon.

Season 1

Sins of the Past (Episode 1) The pilot that starts with Xena just stripping down to her underwear and beating up sex slavers. Also she and Gabrielle first meet and Gabrielle is into her.

Chariots of War (Episode 2) The one where Xena is shot with an arrow and is uncomfortably breathy as a single dad removes it and then they think about banging.

The Reckoning (Episode 6) The one where Ares tries to control Xena and she somehow ends up being whipped in slow motion in her underwear.

Prometheus (Episode 8) The one where everyone is ostensibly straight and Xena and Hercules are apparently in love and try to save Prometheus while Gabrielle tells a dying Iolus he’s her soulmate and they thankfully never reference these romances again.

Hooves & Harlots (Episode 10) Amazons.

Mortal Beloved (Episode 16) The one where Xena’s ex, Marcus, dies and she travels to the underworld to save him and there are CGI monsters and make outs.

The Greater Good (Episode 21) The one where Xena appears to die and Gabrielle kisses her corpse and dresses as her to stop a warlord with seltzer water.

Callisto (Episode 22) The one where Xena’s best nemesis, Callisto, kidnaps Gabrielle and also rocks a very S&M costume and Xena tells Gabrielle about the time she accidentally murdered Callisto’s village which is decidedly unhorny, but then Gabrielle hugs and comforts her which is pretty horny.

Is There a Doctor in the House? (Episode 24) The one where Xena delivers a centaur baby and Gabrielle dies on the table so Xena has to re-enact the breathe scene from The Abyss and its the first time she’s ever really shown just how deep her love for Gabrielle is—so while it is not physically horny, it is extremely emotionally horny.

Season 2

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Episode 4) The one where Gabrielle and Xena become super lesbian vampires with mid-‘90s sexy vampire looks, which means a lot of wet hair, pale foundation, and leather and also Gabrielle sucks on Xena’s neck.

Return of Callisto (Episode 5) The one where Gabrielle gets married and tells her new husband she’s “never been with a man before” and also kisses Xena, but then Callisto returns and Xena must question whether it is ethical to murder Callisto despite creating Callisto.

Warrior… Princess… Tramp (Episode 6) The one where Xena and her doppelgänger, Princess Diana (unrelated), have to deal with a new dimmer doppelgänger who is also a very horny prostitute being manipulated by bad guys to take Diana’s throne.

Intimate Stranger (Episode 7) The one where Callisto invades Xena’s dreams and then they body switch and…sorry but all dream invasions are inherently horny.

Ten Little Warlords (Episode 8) The one where Xena, still in Callisto’s body, has to deal with another seduction attempt by Ares, and Gabrielle’s confusion over the woman she loves being in the body of her most hated enemy.

The Xena Scrolls (Episode 10) The one set in the 1940s when Gabrielle’s hard-drinking, Indiana Jones-like descendent teams up with Xena’s studious Southern belle descendent to stop Ares from breaking out of his tomb to team up with Hitler and destroy the world. Xena briefly possesses her descendent and Ares and Gabrielle’s descendent are both really into her look.

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Here She Comes…Miss Amphipolis (Episode 11) Xena, Gabrielle, and a drag queen go undercover at a beauty pageant to find out who is trying to start a war. The drag queen is played by adult film star Karen Dior.

Destiny (Episode 12) The one where Gabrielle tries to save a near-dead Xena who is too busy being in a coma and dreaming about the time she banged Julius Caesar and then he crucified her.

The Quest (Episode 13) The one where Xena is basically dead and inhabits Bruce Campbell’s body and then makes out with Gabrielle.

A Day in the Life (Episode 14) The one where we see an average day in the life of Xena and Gabrielle who are an old married couple and conspire ways to end a man’s crush on Xena while also bathing together.

Blind Faith (Episode 18) The one where Gabrielle is kidnapped (again) in order to be sold into sexual slavery (again) and a blind Xena has to rescue her and risk being blind forever. But don’t worry, the first thing she sees when she gets her sight back is Gabrielle.

The Price (Episode 20) The one where Xena is forced to embrace her dark past to save a fortress of Athenian soldiers and it’s not really horny because Gabrielle is trying to save Xena’s soul, but evil Xena might fulfil a very specific kink for you so who am I to judge?

Lost Mariner (Episode 21) The one where Gabrielle is rescued by pirates and Xena leaps a truly incredible distance to be on the ship with her which turns out to be captained by Cecrops—as played by Tony Todd, who has been cursed by Poseidon to live forever and never join his wife in the afterlife. Also, there’s an old horny sailor who offers Gabrielle squid.

A Comedy of Eros (Episode 22) The one where Cupid’s baby goes wild with his bow and makes Xena fall in love with an old slaver friend and then makes him fall in love with Gabrielle who in turn falls in love with Joxer.

Season 3

The Furies (Episode 1) The one where Xena is driven mad by the Furies because Ares wants to seduce her to his side again, but also he might be her dad?

Been There, Done That (Episode 2) The one where Xena is stuck in a time loop with Gabrielle and Joxer and has to allow the world to burn so she can get really good at geography to save the world. Every day Joxer asks her about a hickey and Gabrielle looks abashed like she gave it to her.

The Deliverer (Episode 4) Gabrielle kills her first person and then is briefly enraptured by an evil god and neither of those things are horny! Yet the show does a weird thing where it draws a lot of parallels between virginity and taking your first life and that is horny.

Gabrielle’s Hope (Episode 5) Gabrielle gives birth to a demon baby on the Round Table and then flees Xena who desperately wants to murder the baby because it is clearly evil. Not horny unless you are really into extreme emotional conflict.

The Debt (Episodes 6 and 7) Xena travels to Chin (China) to repay a debt which is explored in extremely cinematic flashbacks that involve her having sex on a horse and sex in the air, and also she gets captured and imprisoned naked and in water and learns to murder people with her mind.

Warrior…Priestess…Tramp… (Episode 9) Xena finds another doppelgänger, a Hestian virgin priestess, and she and the saucy sex worker, Meg, must again pretend to be one another while making lots of sex jokes and leaving Gabrielle deeply horny.

The Quill Is Mightier… (Episode 10) The one where Aphrodite gives Gabrielle a magic scroll that makes real whatever is written into it. That leads a horny Joxer to write in a number of naked Gabrielles who chase everyone.

Maternal Instincts (Episode 11) The one where Gabrielle’s daughter, Hope, returns and murders Xena’s son, Solan, and it leaves both Gabrielle and Xena broken and thus is only horny if you are into pain.

The Bitter Suite (Episode 12) The one where Xena and Gabrielle are forced to reconcile via a musical episode and Xena drags a naked Gabrielle across the countryside by horse. Even if you are not into men you will be absolutely seduced by Ares as he begs Xena to be with him in a song called “Melt Into Me”.

One Against an Army (Episode 13) The one where Xena, not the Spartans, must stop the invasion of the Persians, and all while Gabrielle is dying from poison. They share a bed and tell each other they love each other.

When in Rome… (Episode 16) The one where Xena and Gabrielle kidnap Crassus, one-third of Rome’s Triumvirate, to trade him for Vircinix, a Gaul rebel. In the process, Xena has to deal with her ex, Julius Caesar, and all of their interactions are horny.

Fins, Femmes, and Gems (Episode 18) The one where Aphrodite casts a spell on Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer, making them obsessed with fishing, themselves, and being Tarzan, respectively. Xena talks about fisting…fishes.

Sacrifice (Episodes 21 and 22) The one where Hope, Gabrielle’s demon daughter, and Callisto both return and Hope is reborn fully grown and naked, and Callisto is sexually attracted to being murdered by Xena and Gabrielle does something only those aroused by angst will find horny.

Season 4

A Family Affair (Episode 3) The one where Xena and Gabrielle are reunited, but also Hope is there and has a large adult monster son that she is far, far too close with if you understand my meaning.

In Sickness and in Hell (Episode 4) The one where Xena and Gabrielle both have lice and rashes and that is not horny but then they take a bath together.

A Tale of Two Muses (Episode 6) The one where Xena establishes democracy via dance which is an inherently horny artform.

Locked Up and Tied Down (Episode 7) The one where Gabrielle gives Xena a massage and then Xena is put in jail and if you need to know how horny someone’s bondage kink is just revisit that title again.

Crusader (Episode 8) The one where Gabrielle accidentally gets in a love triangle with Xena and a murder-happy religious fanatic.

If the Shoe Fits (Episode 12) The one where Gabrielle showers and then finds her clothes gone and is forced to tell a small child the story of Cinderella while wearing a burlap sack.

Paradise Found (Episode 13) The one where Gabrielle gets like really into yoga and Xena turns into some sort of manic demon and there are a lot of massages and a man with three eyes.

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Devi (Episode 14) The one where Xena and Gabrielle travel to India and wow the show’s approach to Indian culture and myths is deeply offensive, but also Gabrielle gets possessed by a very sexy demon who wears dark eye show and licks Xena’s face.

Between the Lines (Episode 15) The one where the show’s appropriation of Indian culture continues to be extremely bad and Xena and Gabrielle travel forward to future lives and find each other once again, because canonically they are soul mates, and they paint Mehndi on each other under sexy lighting to stop Alti, Xena’s nemesis and Gabrielle gets a very butch pixie cut.

The Play’s the Thing (Episode 17) The one where we’re mainly done with the really bad India arc and Gabrielle gets conned into putting on a play which features a lot of on-stage bathing involving her character and Xena’s.

The Convert (Episode 18) The one where Gabrielle’s unbalanced super religious zealot ex returns to try and murder Xena.

The Ides of March (Episode 21) The one where guess what happens to Caesar and it’s all according to Xena’s plan, and also Gabrielle breaks a vow of pacifism and murders dozens of men. Then she and Xena are crucified.

Deja Vu All Over Again (Episode 22) The one where Xena and Gabrielle and Joxer’s souls are reunited in the 1990s and Xena and Gabrielle make out, but it’s acceptable on-screen because Xena is in a man’s body.

Season 5

Fallen Angel (Episode 1) The one where Xena and Gabrielle are angels??!??!?!? And Xena then gets cast into hell because she is Xena and loves to murder?!?!? And then she invades heaven to be with Gabrielle??!?!?! And then they come back to life?!?!?!?! Confusing and weirding story arcs make me horny I guess.

Chakram (Episode 2) The one where Xena has no memory and Ares tries to take advantage of her and then she gets her memory back, and an extremely-angry-at-Ares Xena is a look.

Animal Attraction (Episode 4) The one where it turns out Xena got impregnated by Callisto’s soul last season.

Little Problems (Episode 8) The one where Rose McIver of iZombie is still a small child (because it’s the ‘90s) and is possessed by Xena because Lucy Lawless was pregnant, and Gabrielle and Aphrodite pretend to be Norse conjoined twins and oil wrestle with another pair of actual conjoined twins.

Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire (Episode 10) The one where there’s an entire musical number in a bathhouse and another where Gabrielle is trapped in a cage wearing a fringed go-go bikini?!?!

Punchlines (Episode 11) The one where Gabrielle and Aphrodite have a slumber party.

Amphipolis Under Siege (Episode 14) The one where Athena wants to murder Xena’s child, Eve, because it’s destined to lead to the death of the gods and Ares sides with Xena because he is just that horny for her.

Married with Fishsticks (Episode 15) The one where Gabrielle imagines she’s married to Joxer but they live under the sea, have fish children, and also there are catfights in a pool.

Kindred Spirits (Episode 17) The one where Joxer sees a whole lot of naked Amazons and they want to punish him by taking his eye.

Antony and Cleopatra (Episode 18) The one where Cleopatra is murdered so Xena disguises herself as Cleopatra and seduces Antony to find the killer, and Gabrielle gets a little jealous of them eating fruit and making out in slow-motion to Natalie Merchant.

Death in the Eye (Episode 19) The one where Xena and Gabrielle fake their deaths so well Ares assumes it really happened and puts them in ice coffins that effectively freeze them for 25 years.

Livia (Episode 20) The one where Xena and Gabrielle wake up and find out Ares has been banging Xena’s daughter who is now 25 years old and a Roman general.

Motherhood (Episode 22) The one where Xena kills almost the entire Greek pantheon and also chakrams the back of Gabrielle’s head and she only lives because Ares gives up his immortality to save her (and also Eve).

Season 6

Heart of Darkness (Episode 3) The one where Xena and Gabrielle wear latex dresses to dance for the Devil and seduce him into Hell.

Who’s Gurkhan (Episode 4) The one where Xena and Gabrielle do sexy dances to join a harem to save Gabrielle’s niece from sex slavery.

The Abyss (Episode 6) The one where Xena and Gabrielle cuddle for warmth in a cave and then Gabrielle gets capture by cannibals that seem to have some sort of ball gag adjacent kink.

The Rheingold, The Ring, The Return of the Valkyrie (Episodes 7-9) The ones where Xena: Warrior Princess interprets the Rings saga and Xena gives up her memories of Gabrielle to fight Odin and Gabrielle gets placed in a ring of fire by Brunhilda, who is in love with her, and Xena has to kiss her to break the spell on both of them.

Old Ares Had a Farm (Episode 10) The one where Xena, Gabrielle, and Ares are a throuple.

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The God You Know (Episode 12) The one where Xena has to steal Aphrodite’s divinity back from Caligula.

To Helicon and Back (Episode 15) More Amazons.

Send in the Clones (Episode 16) The one where a bunch of very horny Xena fans clone Xena and Gabrielle in the present day.

When Fates Collide (Episode 18) The one you should actually skip and watch after you’ve watched every other episode because its the perfect finale where Caesar steals the Fates’ loom and changes history so he is married to Xena and she and Gabrielle are strangers but then they meet and immediately fall in love.

Many Happy Returns (Episode 19) The one where Xena gets Gabrielle a Sappho poem for her birthday and they fly off into the sunset.

A Friend in Need (Episodes 21 and 22) The ones that are technically the finale of the show but the ending is meh. Xena does teach Gabrielle her signature pinch and tells her she’s the last thing she wants to see when she dies, and then later Gabrielle spits water into Xena’s mouth to bring her back to life but boy, oh boy does she use a lot of tongue.

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[h/t to the Xena wiki for image assistance]