It’s the big day, folks: a very special birthday to one of the most important religious figures on the planet, the child of the Virgin Mary. We’re talking about the vampire Camilla, of course. Who else could it have been?
The wonderful story of Jesus’ twin — who once again I cannot stress enough is a vampire — comes in a bonkers episode of the iconic 1978 episode of Lupin III, called “Lupin Has Become a Vampire” in Japan, but incredibly localised as “But Your Brother Was Such a Nice Guy” in English. Killer title. Already firing on all cylinders.
The 34th episode of Lupin III: Part 2, the crazy case of Camilla begins when archaeologists uncover a 2000 year old coffin housing a mysteriously-still-living-woman, clutching an ancient statue of the Virgin Mary. Naturally, because he usually deals with archaeological discoveries and their intersection with potentially theological implications, Inspector Zenigata is brought in… or really, he’s there because he’s certain Lupin is going to want to steal the statue. He’s right, of course, because this is an episode of Lupin III and also the combination of ancient treasure and a gorgeous woman is a scenario Lupin could never resist.
When Lupin does make his move to swipe the statue, he encounters Camilla along the way, and after taking her to the village where her tomb was uncovered, she makes her move — seducing Lupin before biting him, declaring him now under her control. A lot of nonsense later as Lupin’s pals Goemon, Jigen, and Fujiko all attempt to save their now-vampiric friend leads us to the highlight of the whole thing: Camilla revealing her backstory.
Turns out Jesus was a twin, and Camilla was born on the same fabled night in Bethlehem. But because she was born a vampire, complete with little fangs, her parents were horrified that such a wicked being could be born alongside the son of God. Joseph abandoned Camilla and left with the newborn Jesus, but Camilla survived, raised by packs of bats and wolves. When she grew up she sought vengeance against her much more famous brother, stealing the statue and whisking her way to Japan for eternal rest — Jesus even apparently followed her there, and died in the same village. All Camilla then had to do was wait, until she could use the statue of her mother to fulfil a sacrificial prophecy, giving her the power to rule the world.
Of course, Lupin can go a little crazy sometimes but it’s not “alternate reality where Jesus’ vampiric twin sister rules the world” crazy. Goemon and Jigen rescue Lupin (who it turns out was never actually really a vampire, and just playing along to get at the statue) and Fujiko, who was going to be Camilla’s sacrifice, and the gang makes their escape, until they’re surrounded by Camilla and her vampire servants. At which point Goemon promptly owns them by tying his sword and scabbard into a cross shape, throwing it at Camilla to pin her to the ground as a bolt of lightning strikes the sword-cross, incinerating the vampires.
Absolutely amazing. The real story of a Christmas Miracle. ‘Tis the season, everyone, make sure you left out cookies for Santa and some garlic to protect you from creatures of the night.