Few things in life have thrilled me more than the prospect of seeing Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg tape their knuckles up and step into a ring to settle their differences like a couple of misshapen Macaque monkeys tussling over a piece of fermented fruit. If you haven’t heard about this, I beg you to do a quick Google search and acquaint yourself with the bizarre feud currently unfurling between two of Silicon Valley’s biggest ghouls. If you’re too lazy to do that, the short version is this: these guys, two of the world’s richest, most ridiculous individuals, claim they’re going to beat each other up for the benefit of a live audience — potentially at the Octagon in Las Vegas.
It’s impossible to say for sure whether this is a bizarre publicity stunt or a real dispute between two grown men. All I know is that seeing two billionaires accustomed to the soft white glow of a computer monitor trading poorly aimed body blows is an idea beyond exciting. In fact, as far as I know, there are only two people who are not excited by this idea, and they are Elon Musk’s parents.
In separate recent statements, Mummy and Daddy Musk both expressed their respective distaste for the upcoming sporting event featuring their son.
In an interview with The Sun newspaper, Musk’s father, Errol Musk, said the following about the upcoming fight:
“The thing is, if this crazy fight goes ahead, if Elon beats this guy, Elon will be called a bully, being so much heavier and taller…While if he loses, the humiliation would be total…Elon loses if he wins and loses if he loses.”
When it comes to the height and weight differentials, Elon does have something of an advantage. TMZ Sports reports that Musk stands 1.83 m 1 inches tall, while Zuckerberg is only 5’7. He’s also substantially heavier, which you can tell just by looking at the two of them. That said, Zuck has been training like Rambo — a factor that could offset the height and weight differentials if Musk is seriously out of shape when the fight happens (he currently doesn’t appear to be in peak physical condition, though he’s better off than he was a year ago).
Anyway, the elder Musk went on to claim that his son actually knows some kung-fu moves but might not have the killer instinct needed to put Zuck down:
“Elon aced purple belt in JKA (Japanese Karate Association), the best. But he does not know how to go for the kill. He cares too much.”
Musk’s mum, Maye, also seems to be concerned that her 52-year-old son is busy planning a fistfight with another middle aged billionaire. In a series of recent tweets, Elon’s mum tried to steer her son away from violence.
“Fight with words only. In armchairs. Four feet apart. The funniest person wins,” lady Musk tweeted last week. In a different tweet, she also claimed that the fight had been “cancelled” at her behest. In still others, she playfully scolded rightwing podcaster Lex Fridman for encouraging the match:
Don’t encourage this match! 😠😠 https://t.co/CPbO1pITPH
— Maye Musk (@mayemusk) June 22, 2023
Musk’s parents weighing in on this is pretty funny because Elon has always sorta resembled a tall third grader who just happens to have billions and billions of dollars. It makes a certain amount of sense that his parents talk about him like he’s still a little boy who needs to be reigned in.
But to that I say: Elon, like any grown child worth their salt, please don’t listen to your parents. Please fight Mark Zuckerberg. Please make a training montage featuring Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.” Please stream the fight live to all the nations of the world. Don’t let this once-in-a-lifetime entertainment opportunity slip away from us. The world is counting on you.