Facebook is a wasteland. Once the default gateway to the internet, today the site has a reputation as one of the least cool places on the web—at least for America’s taste-making young people. But, as the New York Times recently pointed out, there’s one corner of the platform that keeps the under-35 crowd coming back. Buried beneath the misinformation, photos from your high school gym teacher’s new car is Facebook Marketplace. It’s a holy land for people seeking deals, an unfiltered look at the human experience, and home to some of the most unhinged, disturbing, and delightful posts on the internet.
Facebook Marketplace has replaced Craigslist as the go-to place to buy, sell, and trade used stuff. Want to pick up a $US2,000 couch for $US300? Marketplace can help. Trying to get a few bucks for the rice cooker gathering dust on your kitchen counter, or that old guitar you haven’t played in years? Step right in. More people are recognizing it as a great resource for frugal consumers, but the world hasn’t woken up to its potential as a hub for unfiltered online weirdness.
I spend no less than 20 minutes a day looking through the latest posts, and when you hit an especially good day, it’s good for a full hour of entertainment. Facebook Marketplace is one of the best scrolls on the internet.
If you know where to look, you’ll find some of the weirdest things you’ve ever seen. Here’s a trip through a selection of the most Lovecraftian listings I’ve found on Facebook Marketplace. Note that most of these are listings from the New York area, and if you’ve got recommendations from your hometown I’m dying to see them. Click through the slideshow up top, or just scroll down if you’re on a mobile device.
Rare lifesize minion ( kevin ) — $US6,500
Where to begin with this listing for a “Rare Lifesize Minion.” What it means, exactly, for a fictional character to be “life-size” is up for debate, but there’s no question that this is an unusual find. Kevin here isn’t the only Minions merchandise I’ve seen on Marketplace, but he is the most extravagant.
I’ve stared at this for a while now trying to decide what my favorite thing about this post is. At first, I think it was the obscene $US6,500 price tag, or maybe the fact that the seller is willing to negotiate, but only “AT A REASONABLE OFFER?” (What would a reasonable offer even be?) Of course, there’s also the fact that this Minion “has a real jean,” which I assume means his overalls are real denim. As opposed to what, I couldn’t really guess. I’m also delighted that the seller measured him “from hand to hand,” when Kevin actually appears to be wider at the elbows.
But then I think about this guy’s experience, and that’s what really gets me. If we believe the description, this person has had Kevin on display in his cramped New York City apartment for ten whole years. He wishes he could have afforded to buy all three of the original Minions from whoever had these on hand in the first place, but he couldn’t afford it. Did he pay thousands of dollars back then, or is this a markup because Kevin’s value has appreciated over the last ten years? And why, after a decade of living together, has the seller decided it’s finally time to part?
1971 30″ Annalee Mobilitee Rabbit — $US80
Let’s start by addressing the obvious fact that this thing is evil. I appreciate the seller’s effort to highlight the stains and other damage, but the wear and tear isn’t reassuring, those are signs that this doll was used for malevolent purposes. I can’t say whether the Annalee Mobilitee Rabbit was harnessed for occult rituals or if it’s just haunted by a spirit, but I can tell you that you should not buy it.
I’m donating breastmilk, $US0
This breast milk needs to go ASAP, so if you’re in the Bronx and you don’t find this extremely disturbing and perhaps unsafe, you may want to jump on it. There are a lot of things I would buy on Facebook, but no disrespect to this seller, breast milk is at the very bottom of the list for many, many reasons.
full frog costume, $US150
This isn’t the last costume you’ll see on this list, but I’ll be honest with you, it is the best. The frog costume has potential for the Marketplace Hall of Fame even before we bring production value into the picture, but with the video? It just doesn’t get a lot better than this. It’s the surest sign I’ve seen in a long time that society is on the right track.
George Washington life-size mannequin, $US800
True story: I reached out to ask if they had any other presidents. The seller informed me that they actually listed this mannequin on behalf of a friend, and that friend also has Lincoln, but it isn’t for sale. I asked what they were using the Lincoln for, but the seller refused to tell me. Really, we could dedicate an entire article to the sub-genre of life-sized items on Facebook, but that’s beside the point.
Hand-drawn portrait of Johnny Knoxville. My own personal artwork! $US25
Credit where credit is due, this is a well-done drawing of Johnny Knoxville. That’s not why I included it here. You’re reading about this portrait because it is a beautifully weird decision to draw a portrait of Johnny Knoxville in the first place. I’ve got nothing against the guy, but why Johnny, of all people? Personally, I’m a huge supporter of independent artists and I hope this works out. If there’s a Johnny-Knoxville-portrait-sized hole in your gallery wall, this person is willing to ship the drawing, and this thing is priced to move.
Shrek Costume for Halloween (M-XL), $US10
I have my theories, of course, but I can’t tell you exactly why there are so many costumes on Facebook Marketplace. At least in the New York area, costumes are vastly overrepresented as a category of products. But that’s good news for you and I, lovers of weird listings on Facebook, and this Skrek get-up is a prime example. I don’t have experience selling things on the platform so maybe you shouldn’t take my advice, but I think a picture that demonstrates just how bad this thing looks in real life is a bad call when you could just go with a stock photo of the product. I don’t think the mask is supposed to be this scary.
Life-sized Disco Ball Body, $US500
There’s something melancholy about this disco ball man, but I suppose that’s the point. It seems he partied just a little too hard. The last one could have been his last party, in fact, the guy isn’t looking so good. But dead or alive, you can think of all kinds of great ways to use him. Actually, I can’t think of anything aside from decorating an annoying club. Also, I want to point out that this is yet another example of what a hot selling point “life-sized” seems to be on Facebook. This is what the people want.
Zooted Garfield, $US500
I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of this listing for a zooted Garfield. The seller has a point, he looks absolutely baked, which is why it’s so strange that this thing hasn’t sold yet. It might be the $US500 price tag, but I bet you could talk them down.
T-Rex Dinosaur Lamp. Very realistic, $US20
Don’t be alarmed, this is not a real dinosaur. As the seller points out, it’s very realistic, and it’s a “perfect gift for the dinosaur lover in your life,” but it’s just a lamp. It isn’t clear to me what they’re using as a reference for this T-Rex’s realism, but maybe it’s best not to ask questions about a thing like this.
Please see pictures, $US2,888
Marked down from $US145,000, this listing is one hell of a bargain. The seller suggests that this statue is a nearly 3,000 to 4,000-year-old artifact from a site in the plains of western China, making it a rare and important find. If that’s true, it seems strange that you might be selling such a thing with an essentially blank description on Facebook, but hey, I’m no archaeologist.
Running Cheeto Man, $US12
Folks, this is what we call art. A lot of us see a bag of Cheetos and think “food,” but for this Elizabeth, NJ resident, the snack food is a limitless opportunity for self-expression. What is this Running Cheeto Man trying to escape? Is he a metaphor for the thankless grind of modern life? The artist provides no easy answers. The sculptor notes that the Cheeto Man may not be lactose-free, which of course, is a joke. Only a fool would eat a priceless cultural object like this.
Totoro Costume, $US100
There’s something wrong with this Totoro, especially for $US100. Sure, that’s a pretty hefty discount according to the listing, but I still think you could do better. You gotta love his smile, though.
Elves, 3 for $US75 or 1 for $US30
Here again, we encounter evil in its purest form. Just when you think this listing couldn’t get more disturbing, the seller implies they have even more elves than this in their horrible warehouse
Wolf Lamp, $US15
I was going to say I regret that I didn’t move fast enough to bring this to you before it sold, but then I realized it’s missing a wolf. Hard to believe they found a sucker who would buy this wolf lamp in such a sorry state.
Party Pig by Wayne Kelski, $US45
No home is complete without a party pig, and this one from Wayne Kelski’s Katherine’s Collection is a beautiful example of the form. “Perfect for that pig lover in your life,” its bean-bag-like bottom is ready to keep it sitting securely to “bring joy to all who see it.” Before you say $US45 is too good to be true, you’ll want to make sure you read the description carefully, because all the shedding (?) leaves it in less than mint condition. Still, if you’re party pig shopping on a budget, this could be the answer.