The Internet’s Best Conspiracy Theories About Julian Assange

The Internet’s Best Conspiracy Theories About Julian Assange

Suppression by “powerful states and organisations” is, according to Julian Assange in his 2012 book Cypherpunks: Freedom and the Future of the Internet, “one of the hardships WikiLeaks was built to endure.” That claim must reek of false bluster now that his whistleblowing organisation has since been compromised by the US government, according to the internet’s greatest conspiracy theorists.

For the real truth about what’s going on with Wikileaks and Julian Assange these days, we turned to Twitter, Reddit, and a variety of anonymous imageboards, sources of great knowledge known for their cautious, even-handed approach to political events and propensity for rigorous fact-checking. Here are the best theories on The White Wizard’s whereabouts and the future of Wikileaks as we know it. Get ready to eat some truth, cucks.

Julian Assange is probably, maybe, definitely dead or captured

This past Saturday Assange’s internet access was cut — first eluded to by a tweet from Wikileaks and later confirmed by Ecuador’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Since then, no one has seen or heard from him. The obvious conclusion, as one commenter on 8chan noted, is that, “Assange is either dead or handcuffed to a bed where he can’t access his window.” October 16th is now being referred to by those who know the truth as DAK or “Day Assange Killed.”

Redditors on Trump forum r/the_donald were suspicious that rumours of Assange’s death was a “disruption technique” engineered by the much-maligned organisation Correct The Record. Until…

Image: Tap Blog
Jim Stone of Tap Blog also compiled a massive collection of images showing that Assange has had the ability to post pictures of himself in the past. With rumours of his death circulating since Saturday, surely he’d post some proof of life. Stone also noted:

“He obviously had a cell phone. An INTERNET CAPABLE ANDROID CELL PHONE OR AN IPHONE. The entire story about the embassy cutting his line IS BULLSHIT, he could have had a cell connected computer JUST LIKE I USE FOR EVERYTHING ON THIS WEB SITE.”

Checkmate, Ecuador.

“I’m going to go pester the wikileaks twitter, I suggest everyone else do the same. I expect them to answer within a day or two. If they don’t, I’ll accept he’s dead,” one 8chan poster wrote. So far no one, including Gizmodo, has managed to get in touch with Wikileaks through DM to the best of our knowledge.

Image: 4chan

We can’t even fathom how smart his contingency plan was

After Julian was killed/captured and his internet connection was severed, many speculated that the bizarre series of “pre-commitment” tweets from the Wikileaks account were signs that a “deadman’s switch” had been tripped. With Assange incapacitated, it was thought, Wikileaks would commence dumping all the leaks in its war chest of archives — as well as the keys to the 349 gigs of encrypted “insurance” the organisation distributed in 2013.

It’s well documented that among Assange’s first major projects in the late 90s was the development of the rubberhose file system — a type of electronic cryptography made solely for the purposes of being torture-proof. He’s planned for this situation for the past 20 years. So now that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Assange is in the hands of the US Government, where are the leaks?

The answer is simple: The deadman switch is people.

“Through monitoring his activity it would be relatively easy to estimate the time frame where Assange must give the deadman switch input and thus calculate when they would have to abduct him to have enough time to get him to a black site and torture the required input out of him,” one commenter on 8chan noted.

“The deadman switch is made up of several people who don’t know each other, and is a tiered setup with different actions depending on whether Assange is arrested, disappeared, or murdered,” another commenter in the same thread added. “And it makes no point for adversaries to deactivate a system like this, because they must assume there are individuals out there who have the key. In some cases people who don’t even know that’s what they have. People who received instructions from friends: If ever on your Saturday walk you don’t see a potted gardenia on my doorstep, open the first envelope. And so on.”

Once someone moves that gardenia, it’s going to be a day of reckoning, but for now more quotidian emails from John Podesta. Speaking of which.

Hillary Clinton DDoS’d the whole internet

As Gizmodo reported earlier today, many major internet services — including Twitter, Reddit, and Github — were unreachable this morning due to a Distributed Denial of Service attack on a slew of Dyn servers. What we didn’t know at the time was that the attack was an attempt to limit dissemination of Wikileak’s latest Podesta emails dump, at the behest of Hillary Clinton and the DNC, no less.

The connection to ICANN is of particular interest as the US Department of Commerce recently ceded its supervision over the organisation, which is responsible for DNS root registries, among other things. A massive DNS attack within a month of Big Government washing its hands of ICANN… coincidence? Not likely.

Every tweet is a cry for help

Image: 4chan
With Assange out of the picture and Hillary nuking half the internet, the obvious next step towards Wikileaks’ destruction is to discredit it from the inside. And undoubtedly the organisations’s tweets have gotten stranger and stranger, sometimes tweeting the same thing in quick succession. The tweets range from broad criticisms of government to empty threats, now with the addition of emoji, hashtags, and spelling errors.

The Wikileaks account truly went off the rails this morning when it tweeted out a link to Thump (one of VICE’s music verticals) and a video from a YouTuber called TYT Nation.

That the account was being helmed by someone other than Julian was obvious — but who could have stepped in?

Some say the Russians, while others feel that a globalist plot was equally valid. Others still believe Sarah Harrison, among Assange’s closest advisors, had taken control of the account.

Image: 4chan
Image: 4chan
By far the most popular theory is that Wikileaks has been compromised by the US Government, and that it’s engaging in a campaign of shitty tweets and inaccurate leaks to tarnish the reputation of the organisation once and for all.


While it seems Julian’s whereabouts have been satisfactorily determined and Wikileaks thoroughly exposed as a CIA front, we’re monitoring the situation closely and will update once new, verifiable information becomes available.

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