We’ve had some brilliant reviews grace Gizmodo Australia over the years – Amanda Yeo’s “I Want To Vigorously Make Out With Focal’s Elear And Clear Headphones” is right up there – but right now I’d like to draw your attention to what may just be the best tech reviews on the internet.
Sex toy reviews.
This is NSFW, people. Don’t go clicking on links then yelling at me on Twitter.
Yes, we also review sex toys on hump day, but I’m talking real reviews. User reviews. Tales of sex toys gone wrong – gone right – or just gone.
According to Lovehoney, AKA “the sexual happiness people”, there are over 200,000 sex toy reviews on the site. And look, while most of them are pretty standard, some are simply incredible.
Here are four of our favourites.
Lifelike Lover Luxe Realistic Silicone Dildo 8 Inch Black
The suction on this toy is very strong. I was cleaning my toys after use and decided that while I cleaned my other toys, I would place this one on the rectangular tank on the back of my toilet to dry.
Two minutes later forgetting this toy was suction cup I grabbed it to put it away and actually pulled the whole lid off at the same time. Then had to stand there trying to pull my dildo off and at the same time balance the lid without it smashing, whilst my mum was hammering on the door asking if I was okay and what was the noise all about.
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Roll Play Medium Butt Plug with Jiggle Ball and Suction Cup
After a short while the need to cum was becoming unbearable, so I set off, walking very carefully towards the ladies for some discreet relief!
But lady luck was against me. A chap banged into me with his trolley, the butt plug and jiggle balls jolted and I orgasmed right in front of him! The poor chap obviously thought he’d really hurt me and shouted for a chair and a glass of water saying that he thought I was going to faint!
The chair arrived pronto and I sat there shaking and gasping. After a couple of minutes, I managed to convince everyone I was okay and made my escape. I drove home at top speed feeling mortified.
#noregrets
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Dr Joel Kaplan Throbbing Powerful Flickering Tongue Vibrator
Let me tell you, I have wasted two full days on this toy and I regret nothing.
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Fetish Fantasy Stainless Steel Wartenberg Pinwheel
Yeah it’s a pretty good product, high quality and everything. But the picture is a bit deceiving. The bloody thing couldn’t open my Fray Bentos pie tin (meat pie in a can), so I still haven’t had any dinner. Ended up eating the strawberry lube I purchased instead.
But in the end it matches my kitchen and fits easily in the cutlery drawer.